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How a Jew Saved Christmas

Hey everyone,

My husband is not Jewish and we spend Christmas at his parent’s home in another state. The following is an email I sent to my friend on how I saved Christmas this year. Hope you find it amusing. Warning, site is not for the easily offended.


How Elaine Saved Christmas Haley, We just got back in town. Our holiday with the in-laws was very nice. Baby G got lots of good stuff, I drank wine and Nathan was able to relax and hang out with some non-Jews for once. As you know, food is not the center of the universe for Nathan’s family. Sure, they eat. But (and this is kind of weird), they stop eating when they are full. Hmmmm.

This has been a hard adjustment for me. Frankly, I don’t get it. As you know the Elaine family motto has always been “if you’re not stuffed to the point of feeling like you’re going to die after a holiday meal, the hostess sucks.”

But as the years have progressed, I have adapted. And this year, I am proud to report that my firm commitment to food saved Christmas for everyone. Here’s how: My M.I.L.’s friend was coming for Christmas Eve dinner and was bringing the hors d’oeuvre’s. She’s had a rough year – her husband left her and her teenage son has some issues (to put it nicely).

So, the friend decides at the last minute that she is not up for a holiday celebration with a nice nuclear family like Nathan’s. She calls and cancels. I hear my M.I.L. on the phone trying to get her to change her mind. Everyone is sad and feels terrible for the friend. I was sad too, but, was also thinking “Jesus, what about the hor deurve’s?” We must have hors d’oeuvre. What about the brie and crackers and dip? I start sweating.

The following is a recap of how I saved Christmas: I should note that my in-laws live in a rural area. The closest grocery store is 25 minutes away. It’s 4:10 pm on Christmas Eve

Before anyone even mentions hors d’oeuvre’s.

Me: Oh, I’ll run out and get some hors d’oeuvres. Let me grab my coat.

M.I.L. Oh, don’t be silly. We’re going to eat fairly early. We don’t need hors d’oeuvre.

F.I.L. We have some olives and some oranges – we can just serve that. It will be fine.

Me thinking to myself: Olives and Oranges! That’s not an hors d’oeuvre. That’s not even a pre- hors d’oeuvre. That’s what you eat when it’s 3:00 am and you’re too drunk to drive to 7’11.

Me: Oh, it’s fine. Really. Baby G will nap in the car.

F.I.L. Actually, it wouldn’t be a bad idea. If you don’t mind?….

Me: Oh, no. My pleasure. (running out the door before someone changes their mind)

Nathan: You don’t have to (with a smug look on his face knowing that my motives are completely selfish).

Me: Love, since I don’t know how to cook this is my way of contributing. Really. Let me do this for your family.

G and I got to the store just before closing. I bought such good stuff. Cheese and crackers and dip and bread and it was awesome. Everyone loved my choices.

And that is how Elaine saved Christmas.


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Posted: December 27, 2007

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